I had this strange dream last night about President George Bush rushing out of the front door of the White House at about two in the morning. He was wearing a wedding dress complete with veil and train. With fists balled up in frustration he screamed for all he was worth, “Is EVERYBODY gay?”If anything will jolt you awake, that will, and after a moment’s thought I realized it was a hilarious scene from the movie In and Out. In it, Joan Cusack, still in her wedding dress, hits a small town bar to get drunk after being jilted at the alter by a gay Kevin Klein. In frustration she tries to pick up handsome and macho Tom Selleck only to be turned down because he’s gay too, at which point she runs out of the bar and screams her famous line.
President George Bush has got to be feeling like that poor woman about now, what with the gay Mark Foley page scandal and other GOPs being outed almost daily. Now Sunday's news services are full of the reports that Ted Haggard, President of the 30 million member strong, 45,000 church National Association of Evangelicals since March of 2003, has confessed to buying drugs and having a three-year homosexual affair with a male escort from Denver!
On Sunday, November 5, a statement was read to Rev. Haggard's congregation and followers confessing to the homosexual accusations leveled by Mike Jones as reported by Forbes Magazine:
"I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment for all of you," he said, adding that he had confused the situation by giving inconsistent remarks to reporters denying the scandal.
"The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life."
Rev. Haggard was fired from his post at the NAE, and as senior pastor of his church Saturday.
Christian Evangelist Ted Haggard was the head of a 14,000-member mega-house of worship known as the New Life Church. Rev. Howard has even been interviewed by Barbara Walters for her television program. He speaks to, or counsels President Bush or one of his advisors, participating nearly every Monday in mass conference calls along with other Christian leaders. The White House maintains though that he’s only been there once or twice.
Time Magazine named Rev. Ted Haggard as one of the “Twenty-five Most Influential Evangelicals in America.” Taking advantage of his status as a prominent religious figure, Ted Haggard began nationally mobilizing followers against the gay marriage movement. Being in charge of one of the largest churches in the U.S. he wanted to further his cause after the state of Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriage in 2004. He also joined forces with Focus on the Family to bring a state constitutional ban on homosexual marriage to the Colorado ballot this year.
Haggard maintained over the weekend that he had been faithful to his wife but later confessed that he did indeed have a 3-year homosexual affair with a male prostitute.
Mike Jones, an attractive and athletic-looking 49-year-old from Denver countered by agreeing to a radio interview. In it, he insisted that over a period of three years, Haggard paid him about once a month to engage in homosexual intercourse. He also stated that the Rev. Haggard used only the name “Art” and that the last time they had sex was in August of this year. Openly gay Jones voluntarily took a polygraph during the radio interview. The results showed him telling the truth in some parts and “being deceptive” in others. The expert administering the test has requested a second test, saying it could be from stress of the radio interview and lack of sleep. However with Haggard's confession he has now been vindicated.Haggard, the married father of five, seized on the results or that test to deny even knowing Mike Jones, or ever having an affair with another man. Haggard began painting Jones as a liar and taking advantage of the political environment to start a damaging scandal against him. Jones denied that assertion, saying he had no idea who “Art” actually was until he saw Haggard on TV railing against gay marriage.
An expert announced that he analyzed the accumulated messages that Haggard left on Jones’ voicemail, and concluded that there was a very good chance that it was indeed Reverend Ted Haggard. Hearing this, the pastor changed his story and admitted to calling Jones to buy methamphetamines, but claimed he flushed them down the toilet after realizing that what he’d done was morally wrong. When pressed on how he knew Jones’ phone number if he hadn’t had a liaison with him, Haggard admitted he’d hired Jones to give him a massage at a Denver hotel. Upon pressure of more damaging revelations, the Rev. Haggard admitted in an interview with KKTV in Colorado Springs that some of Jones’ accusations were accurate.
Jones maintains that Haggard used the drugs to heighten his experiences while making homosexual love to him. Jones also produced an envelope that Haggard had used to pay him for their clandestine meetings during their ongoing three-year affair. Mike Jones has stated that there was never an emotional link between the two men and characterized it as a “business relationship” involving sex only.
As the story has developed, Haggard has gone from denying knowing Jones sexually or personally to admitting indiscretions but not guilt in the matter. He has also gone from denying the drug charges, to admitting calling Jones (whom he’d earlier denied knowing) to purchasing them from him and now admits to the sexual trysts too.
Rev. Haggard is said to have gone into counseling for spiritual advice and guidance, following the examples of the likes of former President Bill Clinton, and the Reverends Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart.
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UPDATE! September 2011
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OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Ted Haggard And Gary Busey To Swap Wives At Gay Pride Center
Speaking for myself (sarcastically) I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong here: Haggard and Busey are about to be featured in a show called Celebrity Wife Swap. That he's still married amazes me, but wait... there's more!
Ultra-conservative Haggard and his wife Gayle will swap with Busey and longtime girlfriend Steffanie Sampson.
You'd think that Ted and Gary would make a better pairing, now that wingnut Busey is a "born-again" Christian affiliated with Promise Keepers, and Haggard has his own "christian" St. James, a new nondenominational church in Colorado Springs.
If you've read this article you know that Haggard admitted getting a handjob (and probably a lot more) and then bought meth from a male prostitute. Since embarrasing President Bush with the scandal, he keeps putting his [foot?] in his mouth by announcing recently, "probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual").
To put the icing on the cake and convince everyone that anti-gay conservatives have no clue as to what they're doing... the segment of the show will be shot at
...wait for it!
...at the GLBT Pride Center in Colorado Springs. Does the center consider Haggard, who once opposed gay marriage and also declared himself completely straight after therapy (despite his previously mentioned statement), a supporter of gay rights? The website for his new church does say "if you are straight, gay, or bi, I want to walk through the Scriptures with you."
Uh huh
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© 2006 by Jet in Columbus
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